Never a good time to be sick.

I have been sick for over a week now but I just keep telling myself “its not a good time to be sick”, so I just keep trucking right along. People that spend time with me have made the comment that I am “sick” a lot. Rather and trying to argue that I am not, I am trying to figure out why that is. I am convinced that I am sick as much as I am because when I start to get sick, I don’t allow myself the time to be sick and get better but try my hardest to fight it. Maybe if I just allowed myself to be sick, turn off my life for a day or two allowing the sickness to run its course and be done, then maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t be sick so much. But I never seem to get sick at very convenient times. Prime example, a week ago Sunday I started to get the sniffles and a sore throat, I was taking my final; that is definitely not the time to be sick or “shut off life” and be sick. So I disregard my beginning symptoms, warning signs. I had already requested off time for my upcoming vacation so I didn’t want to take any more time off work to allow myself to be sick and nurse myself back to health, so again, I keep on keeping on. Then my long awaited vacation started, I didn’t want to spend any of that time sick and in bed, so once again, I just kept on moving, never slowing down. Saturday night was our Christmas party, I for sure wasn’t going to miss that due to a sore throat, stuffy yet runny nose, and sinuses tight enough to make me feel cross eyed, again, I just kept moving. By Saturday night my body hated me and I continued to feel worse, I had told myself that I would allow myself to be sick for the 12 hour drive back to Texas, when I laid down that night after the party. Come morning, the weather was awful, so about the time I was getting comfortable enough to sleep, a SUV slid out of control and crossed the highway 25 feet in front of us, at which point I was too nervous to sleep or hell even relax. There I was full circle, a week later, still sick, more sick, no rest, no relaxation. Still not wanting to miss any more work, I continue to be sick, but I just keep on moving. I have family in town for Christmas, so going home after work and resting is not an option either, so again I just keep on moving. The point is, there has not been one day since the day I started to get sick that I felt like I could stop, or at least slow down and be sick, get better therefore my sickness that probably could have or should have only lasted 2 days has now gone on for over a week with no sign of stopping.

Why is it that there is never really a good time to be sick? I wonder what that would look like?

Rewriting History

Rewriting History

People rewrite history all the time for many different reasons, generally because it makes for a better story then the one they currently have. Today I choose to rewrite history and think it makes for a far better story than the one I currently have. Let me explain why:

As it stands I have 3 dads, the one that provided the sperm to create me, the one that raised me out of diapers and the one that has been there through preadolescence/teenage years to now. Approximately 25 years ago my biological father and mother decided to divorce. I have no recollection of my "real" dad being in the house. my earliest memories have been of my, now, ex-step dad; Rob. Rob did a great job stepping up to the plate of being a dad to Jessica and I. He without hesitation treated us as though we were his own, and still to this day continues to do so. And for that I am much appreciative.

When Jessica and I were about 2 and 4 my "real" father asked Rob to adopt us. This was because he no longer wanted to be responsible for child support. (Cheap bastard) He asked that he still be able to see us but simply just didn't want to be financially responsible for us. But, Rob being the kind hearted and level headed guy he was said "NO!", not because he didn't want us (we were already his) but because he thought my Dad was just being young and stupid and he didn't want to be any part of a childish and irresponsible decision.

When I was in 5th grade, my mom and Rob split up. They remain best friends today, and like I said he still is father like to me. A short time later my mom found another guy that was willing to step up to the plate, knowing we were a package deal with my mom. Mike, is his name. Now mike jumped right in, not skipping any beats, getting us tampoons when we needed them, listening to us cry when stupid boys broke our hearts, going to games, graduations, and continues to be a part of everything in our lives. He is a wonderful man who has done an amazing job of fulfilling the roll or Dad that Jessica and might have been lacking.

Above all, there is my Mother! Like I am sure everyone says she is the BEST MOM a mother could be. She has done nothing but bust her ass to make sure we were never without anything. She has always been there no matter what. She wakes up at 3am to listen to us cry, even if she DID have to be up in 2 hours for work. She has always been a super mom, work, going to school, while being a single mom, but never forgetting to give us all the attention we ever needed or wanted. She would protect us from any thing she could. Something that she continues to apologize for is the hurt my father has bestowed on us, over and over again, because we didn't get to choose him.

As for our "real" father. He has been nothing more than a half assed dad, throughout all 26 years of my life. There are so many examples of how he failed at doing "dad" things. I have officacially spent the last 26 years of my life hoping, reaching, and wanting a better relationship with him. Well I am done! There is no blog space long enough for me to illustrate the countless times he has hurt Jessica and I. Repainting his car for the 5th time rather than paying child support, buying new furniture that we werent supposed to tell mom about because he hadnt paid child support, years of softball games he never showed up for, driving for an hour and half to get us for his weekend being a "waste of gas", his bitch of a wife having a headache so he couldnt get us for the weekend, him needing precious sleep so he couldnt come to the phone no matter what "tradgedy" we were experiencing, the childish game of calling from his other childrens cell phones, using the kids against us, just years and years of absolute bullshit! My last post said something about mountains out of mole hills, and knowing the answer but continuing to do nothing but bitch, well I have made my decicion and now it is a matter of follow through. Here it is, my last bitch, my last round about, my follow through!

I am officially rewriting history, Rob adopted me 24 years ago!

I am proud of the family that I have, the mom, the dad, the sister and step brothers. We are happy, we have all the love we need, I have no reason to be disappointed. I am proud to have the family that I do have. To all of them, thank-you, I love you!

It might be airing dirty laundry to some, but to me, its threaputic and necassary.

Frustrations Friday

Frustrations Friday:

Christmas music-Now, please don’t be confused I am not a Scrooge, I just do not appreciate it. There are a few songs that are nice to hear in the middle of a mix of music, but an entire day of nothing but Christmas music…no thanks.

Cheap people- I can appreciate people who are smart about what they do with their money, but what I cannot and WILL not appreciate are people who are cheap. I will say nothing to define these “type” of people, if you are questioning whether or not you are…then you probably are.

Being sleepy in the middle of the day- Why is it when I can’t sleep because I am at work or doing something I need to be doing, but somehow get a second wind when I actually have the opportunity to sleep. It generally hits in the middle of the day, and I do nothing but day dream about when is the soonest I will be able to get to go back to bed or at the very least lay down. Sure enough, as soon as I get off work and drive home I am no longer tired.

Cleaning-this is a never ending project and causes stupid arguments between Scott and I. If I load the dish washer and then watch him put a dish in the sink, it makes blood boil, yet I would be lying if I said I didn’t do very similar things to him. Example, he will have just done laundry and I throw clean clothes in the dirty laundry, I am sure this is equally frustrating to him.

Dumb conversations starters-It is so frustrating when someone feels it necessary to strike up a conversation with you but can’t find something intelligent to say. Really? May I suggest either waiting and hope the urge passes to talk to me, or try something other than superficial shit that we both know neither of us care about.

People making mountains out of mole hills-Drama, drama, drama, I don’t need it or want it. I am a pretty simple person, most things really do have an easy answer, what it might take to accomplish that answer, could be sometimes difficult but please, let’s not dwell on the answer, that’s the easy part. Make a decision and go with it, if you find yourself having to re-evaluate it again, then ok, but again and again and again…make a different decision or stop bitching about the situation, you have created it. And before you do anything dramatic ask yourself “is it really that bad, or worth it” when you find yourself so upset. Keep things in prospective.

Healthy Trim commercials-OK, every morning during my 40 minute commute to work I probably here this stupid commercial 7 times! I doubt this pill is different than any other, I am sure it makes you not hungry and might give you more energy but really?!?! When someone creates a pill that makes me not want to eat when I am bored, or physically makes me get up off my ass and go work out, not just gives me energy so I can’t sleep and am jittery, but truly forces me to work out. A pill that makes me look at every “bad for you” food and REALLY not want to eat it, then maybe, MAYBE it would be worth playing 7 times in 40 minutes on the radio. And come on, it’s not like the commercial is going to air all those individuals that used it and didn’t find it to be so helpful, let’s be honest.

And last but not least

WALMART!!!

Dreams-

Ever wonder why you dream the things you do? My dreams have been crazy lately, and the people they début might even be crazier than the dreams themselves. Why, I want to know why we dream these things and what it means when people from my past stop by for a visit in the craziest form in my dreams. I know there is the good ole dream dictionary but really, can it be I dream of the same thing for the same reasons others do, or is it more individual than that? I find myself wishing I could control who appears in my dreams and the roles they play. Even when my dreams might be better classified as a nightmare, I find it even harder to wake up in the mornings (we all know I hate getting up in the mornings anyways), I want to know what is going to happen next, who else is going to grace me with their presence? I find myself trying to make heads or tails of my dreams hours after I have ended the dream simply by waking up or rolling over. Then there is always the reoccurring dreams, those are the WORST! I am a hypochondriac as it is, I already read way between the lines on just about everything, so, please tell me; why is it necessary to exacerbate this by having a reoccurring dream?

General dreams:

The dreams I have where it really is just another day, like I am watching a video of my own daily activities…these dreams are alright in my book. But really what’s the point? Am I supposed to learn from these dreams?

No sound screaming:

I hate, hate, hate this dream. The reason for my screams are generally different and besides the point…it’s the part where I need help, and against all efforts…nothing, no sound=no help! Although, I don’t ever recall what happens when I don’t get help, its not like I die, so maybe the meaning is “I don’t need help”?

Naked -where?!?!:

Although I dont have these very often, thank God, these are creepy to me. Why on earth would I be naked in public? Where is the cameras, whos joke am I the butt of? Its NOT funny to me!

Over and over and over again:

These are the dreams where I do something over and over and over, dumb, dumb, dumb. I end up waking up with a nauseous feeling and sometimes as far as getting sick because I am dizzy from doing something over and over and over again. The one that I remember having is driving, remember back in the day when “cruising the strip” was cool, sure ya do, we were 16 and had nothing better to do. Anyways, in my dream me and my friends would drive down the main road, turn around in the gas station and drive back down the road, turn around in the gas station, and do it…you guessed it…over and over and over again. Again, no point, and it makes me physically ill. I find that I do this when I am stuck in life, where I want or need to make a change but cant, or don’t know how I am going to go about it. Frustrating!

Tropical vacations:

Probably my favorite, yet hardest to wake up from. In these dreams I am usallya either in Costa Rica or on a cruise. Although both of these vacations are great...I really need to find new places to site see in my dreams. I am gonna go ahead and say these dreams are self explanitory...time to take a vacation!

Car accidents:

This is another one of my reoccurring dreams. Don’t know why, I have never (knock on wood) been in a car accident. Well not a bad one anyways, nothing going more than 15mph. Yet, I continue to have dreams where I am in a horrible car accident. Maybe I should look at the positives, I don’t die in these accidents. But again, WHY, why torture me in these dreams, which in turn, (back to me being a hypochondriac) makes me the world’s worst backseat driver.

"Oh shit":

These are the ones that I wake up and spend a good 30 seconds saying “holy shit, what did I do…oh good God that was just a dream”. Without sounding crazy, in these dreams I have generally done something wrong, scary, and throughout the dream I am trying to cover up whatever it was that I did. I suppose this is better than the reverse…where you do something stupid or wrong and you go to bed, wake up and wish that it was a dream, just to find out “nope, I really did do that”. That sucks even more than this kind of dream.

In addition to the plots, there is the surroundings:

Again, something that makes all these dreams that much more crazy are those that star in them. Whether it be family members, old friends, exs, that random cashier that checked your groceries out yesterday, or whoever decides to play these characters, their presences makes an average dream, that much more strange, and hard to comprehend the meaning. Is your imagination guilty of creating these stories or picture videos behind closed eyes? We create faces we have never seen, places we have never been, and yet they have familiarity in our dreams.

Odd.

I still want to know why? What does it really mean?

By the end of the daily, I can barely recall most of the details I spend the 1st half of my day trying to remember and make sense of it all. Then before you know if, back to bed…what will tonight’s dream be about?

Holidays Fun

Happy Holidays All!

I am getting excited about going home for our family Christmas. The last time I was home was in July, I feel like it has been a really long time. Going home for the holidays is always fun, there is something about going out on Main St. and running into people you know that adds to the warm fuzzy feeling of being home after not having been for a while. I can’t wait to take a nap in front of the fire place at home because it’s too cold to even get up and into bed. Hanging out downstairs, making drinks, playing pool and sitting in the hot tub before and or after going out with friends. The wings at the Fainting Goat with old “staff therapy” friends. And while I won’t admit it very often, I am kind of excited about seeing the snow.

Scott and I are still finalizing our travel plans, we are supposed to have it figured out by mid-week. Right now I think he plans on going much earlier and driving, then I will catch a one way flight to Minneapolis to meet up with him. Then we will have a couple of days in Cedar Falls/Waverly then off to the annual Clark/Jones family Christmas party. Where we will wake up hungover without any uncertainty and drive the 12 hours back south.

Every year for our family Christmas get together one of the grandkids are in charge of writing the skit. Now for most people that might sound lame but for our family this is a drunken good time. This year…it is our turn. Jessica and I are the ones responsible for putting together the good ole family Christmas Skit. Now I am not allowed to give it away so there is not too much I can say about it, except for, it is going to be a LOT of laughs, and will be hard to beat. We are still ironing out a few of the final details and need to figure out a way to include more of the costumes, and props. Did I forget to mention there are costumes and props…this is all just part of the fun, the ridiculous costumes; Mr and Mrs Clause, elf, angel, toy soldier, ginger bread man, snowman, Rudolph…the list goes on. Maybe this year I will make a video of it for other to see, then again I am not sure there should be documented proof of such things, pictures are bad enough.

We will see.

***See attached pictures of last year’s skit***