While I understand, and apologize that my last few blogs seem to be primarily negative, I promise I am not a negative person. Maybe it is when I am especially frustrated it inspires me to write, or maybe it is even because I just do not truly say exactly how I am feeling when I am as upset as I have been. And really in all fairness when I wrote the blog about my feelings towards wedding I was not necessarily upset I was just being frank.
I have had another bad night, seems to be more frequent lately…I hate that!
More random thoughts mainly based on the fact that I have had, yet another bad night:
-The title of tonight’s blog, sometimes there is a right, wrong. Tonight’s right kind of wrong is my methodology for ending the evening earlier than it naturally would have. Yes, cryptic, I know.
-I know I am going to wake up with a sore jaw (in order not to be considered “cryptic”), when I go to bed as frustrated as I am I tend to wake up with a sore jaw, one can assume it is because even in rem sleep, I am still so upset I clench my jaw while I am sleeping.
-St. Patrick’s Day, USE to be one of my favorite holidays, give not only todays events, but other past incidents that happened on St. Patty’s Day, I am beginning to think, not only it is not my favorite holiday, but I am starting to hate the damn day.
-I am considering a new career in psychic reading…I am pretty damn good at predicting the future…apparently.
-I am thoroughly amazed at Annie’s ability to not only play Frisbee but her general intelligence…above all her loyalty.
-I really wish I would have spent the day doing school work, at least it would have been productive.
-Had to replace ANOTHER flat tire, that is the 3rd one in a year. I decided to just get all 4 replaced, keeping the newest one I had just gotten as a full size spare. For the life of me, I cannot understand how one person goes through so many freakin tires!
-Had an amazing dinner date with my sister!
-During above date, had an interesting conversation about recognizing someone for things they should do, versus, just when they do favors or go above the expected. Was it the way we were raised? Should people be recognized and be shown appreciation for everyday things, are we wrong for not handing out cookies for taking out the trash, hypothetically?
-Still stuck between a rock and a hard place!
-He went there…nothing can ever undo what was done. Doesn’t make it a “deal” breaker so to speak, but definitely reiterated once AGAIN everything I said in my “Oops I said it again” blog…UGH, even if I could admit out loud to anyone, that maybe there was a glimmer of hope I could trust EVERYONE wasn’t like that…I wouldn’t in order to avoid public admit of defeat and once again being let down.
-I want my HOME back!
-Well my right kind of wrong seems to be kicking in, that is my cue!
I will try to write a much more, cotton candy, rainbow, and lollipops like blog the next time…I wouldn’t want my readers thinking I really am Negative Nancy!
With that said, I will leave readers with this insight; I really truly am happy, in general, and even in my relationship, if it weren’t for a minor…or not so minor issue that doesn’t change or get fixed overnight, things would be amazingly great. But in the meantime, when I am reminded on a daily bases that the situation is what it is, I can’t help but have a hard time, forgetting, being patient, or going on with live as it once was. I can only hope the situation will eventually be fixed, and that the relationship can survive it.
Goodnight!
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
You thought THAT was "cryptic"
I was accused of being cryptic with my Facebook status update, when I updated my status with “FML, nothing like paying $1100 for a bedroom, kitchen, storage room, bathroom, and one large dog room. Not to mention an additional $2400 on furniture, I don’t get to use, that is now stacked in that other room, I'm also not using. Fucking lovely, right? Fffffuuuuucccckkkk! Angry!”, Not sure that is very “cryptic".
How is this for “cryptic”?
My grace is gone! I read a blog the other day about playing with fire and how you shouldn’t do it. Well what happens when you are curious about fire? You know what it feels like to be burned, you know you don’t like it, but yet you are still intrigued with the smell, sound, and even look of a burning match? Yet, you still fear that burn and the long healing time of such burns?
“The grass is not always greener on the other side?”, “You don’t always get what you want”, “It is what it is”…all sayings that piss me off! I get that the grass is not always greener, but why in the fuck am I looking at the neighbors grass? Have you ever thought to ask? Why, don’t you always get what you want? If what you want is feasible and you work for it, why shouldn’t you get it? If I am not asking for someone else to give it to me, and I work hard for it, why shouldn’t I be able to have what I want? And as for, “it is what it is”, really?! What IS what it IS? Does that mean “deal with it”? “Sorry bought your luck”? If so, fuck IS!
My latest FB status update was “I just want to drive, get a tattoo, or do something dramatically different with my hair. Hummm....”, now while that might seem fairly “cryptic”, those that know me, know that when I get the itch do any of the above it says something. Something similar to what my dad measures based on my mom’s weight…you figure it out!
So…bartender excuse me please, one more drink, could you make it strong ‘cause I don’t need to think”, “She’s got her ticket, I think she’s gonna use it, I think she going to fly away. No one should try and stop her, persuade her with their power. She says that her mind is made up”.
That’s a wrap!
How is this for “cryptic”?
My grace is gone! I read a blog the other day about playing with fire and how you shouldn’t do it. Well what happens when you are curious about fire? You know what it feels like to be burned, you know you don’t like it, but yet you are still intrigued with the smell, sound, and even look of a burning match? Yet, you still fear that burn and the long healing time of such burns?
“The grass is not always greener on the other side?”, “You don’t always get what you want”, “It is what it is”…all sayings that piss me off! I get that the grass is not always greener, but why in the fuck am I looking at the neighbors grass? Have you ever thought to ask? Why, don’t you always get what you want? If what you want is feasible and you work for it, why shouldn’t you get it? If I am not asking for someone else to give it to me, and I work hard for it, why shouldn’t I be able to have what I want? And as for, “it is what it is”, really?! What IS what it IS? Does that mean “deal with it”? “Sorry bought your luck”? If so, fuck IS!
My latest FB status update was “I just want to drive, get a tattoo, or do something dramatically different with my hair. Hummm....”, now while that might seem fairly “cryptic”, those that know me, know that when I get the itch do any of the above it says something. Something similar to what my dad measures based on my mom’s weight…you figure it out!
So…bartender excuse me please, one more drink, could you make it strong ‘cause I don’t need to think”, “She’s got her ticket, I think she’s gonna use it, I think she going to fly away. No one should try and stop her, persuade her with their power. She says that her mind is made up”.
That’s a wrap!
Friday, March 9, 2012
Oops I said it again...
I've said it before and I am saying it again. I do not want to get married, I do not want to display my love for someone publicly, pay large amounts of money to let the world know how I feel, when the only person that really needs to know, is my other half. In addition to me not wanting to pay for a wedding/big ass party <--That's what it has become, I cannot ignore what I know, what I have seen, or the overwhelming stats that exist, I would be a fools fool.
My feelings towards marriages have once again been re-confirmed, and continues to grow stronger and stronger. It is interesting to read past blogs, facebook comments, and or recall conversations, I have had on the topic and to see the evolution and how much it has changed yet stayed very much so the same. I have gone from "HELL NO", to seemingly quite or just not outwardly against it to, "ya know, maybe someday", to "nope, I had it right the first time, HELL NO". The root to which these feelings spring from has always been the same, too many failed marriages to ignore, but I have changed my personal feelings towards relationships and commitment. I am not against commitment. I am not against living as though I am married, especially in my current relationship, (I will comment on that last sentence in a minute). I am just against falling for the false illusions or sense of commitment a marriage license once provided. My personal opinion is that I do not think I will be missing out on anything by NOT going through the process of actually getting married. At the very least the things I might, MAYBE, be missing out on by not signing a marriage license, does not out weigh the negatives that for whatever reason goes along with actually getting married.
People say, "the first year of marriage is hard", WHY? What starts or is reset when you sign a piece of paper? For two people who have lived together before actually getting married, what changes? It should be nothing, were you both committed and not with other people before? Did they put the toilet paper roll on that way before? Were they lazy on Sundays? Chew food this way or that way? If not, if they weren't that way before, then why are they now? Was it a trick? I can't believe people would actually trick you into believing something that wasn't true JUST so you would marry them and then BOOM, "you are stuck with me now, ha ha ha". So, again I ask, why is the 1st year of a marriage so hard?
In an old blog I also question why people who are seemingly unhappy in their relationship take it to the next level and get married. It is still a question I ponder over, I have watched it happen several times since I posted that blog, to close friends and even family. I just can't for the life of me make sense of it. And it is those marriages that add to the overwhelming number of divorces today. Double whammy for people like me, really trying to understand, evaluate, and digest the idea of marriages.
While making big purchases like buying a house, getting married or having a baby will change the dynamics of a relationship, it will not change a person. So for anyone who is considering doing these types of things as a ploy to get the other to suddenly; open their eyes, be a better person, grow up, or any other dramatic change you might desire, save yourself...it doesn't!
As long as I am being honest, I think a large part of me that doesn't want to get married is because I want to save face. Yes, I realize how bad that sounds but it's the truth. Even publicly making statements of how great my current relationship is (the comment I wrote above), is sometimes otherwise difficult for me to do. While it IS great right now, and in a perfect world, I would want it to go on forever, I can't help but want to avoid looking or feeling dumb if and when it is no longer great and no longer exists. A wedding is a public, and expensive might I add, affirmation of how in love two people are to their friends and family, a marriage is between a man and women that is supposed to be "In sickness and in health", "for richer or for poor", and above all "til death do us part", those statements made at a wedding to kick off a marriage are supposed to provide the individuals a vow of commitment, through EVERYTHING, but that is not what happens anymore, when the healthy get sick, or the rich get poor, the other gets going. I realize marriages are not easy, but all to often, and it has been demonstrated for me time and time again, it is too easy to leave, to just walk away, and to give up. I guess what I am saying is as much "fun" or as great as it sounds to be ABLE to believe in fairy tales, I just can't do it. Do good marriages exist? I am sure they do, but just like winning the lottery or a big foot sighting, it just seems too far from the realm of actual possibilities that I do not fantasize about my wedding day, nor do I talk about what I would do if I won the lottery. I have been accused of sounding bitter or jaded, I do not think I am those things. I am someone with a very level head on my shoulders who is grounded, and realistic. The reality is that the facts, trends, numbers do not lie. The heart can trick even the most intelligent fool, I do not have my heart guarded, it is out there, and currently in someone else's hands...BUT, since my head isn't too far from my heart, I have to be mentally prepared to take it back if he no longer wants possession of it.
I do hope to find myself living in a marriage some day, to be living happily ever after, with someone who sticks by me during my bad days, weeks, months or whatever, someone that finds being with me on bad days means more than not being with me at all.
My feelings towards marriages have once again been re-confirmed, and continues to grow stronger and stronger. It is interesting to read past blogs, facebook comments, and or recall conversations, I have had on the topic and to see the evolution and how much it has changed yet stayed very much so the same. I have gone from "HELL NO", to seemingly quite or just not outwardly against it to, "ya know, maybe someday", to "nope, I had it right the first time, HELL NO". The root to which these feelings spring from has always been the same, too many failed marriages to ignore, but I have changed my personal feelings towards relationships and commitment. I am not against commitment. I am not against living as though I am married, especially in my current relationship, (I will comment on that last sentence in a minute). I am just against falling for the false illusions or sense of commitment a marriage license once provided. My personal opinion is that I do not think I will be missing out on anything by NOT going through the process of actually getting married. At the very least the things I might, MAYBE, be missing out on by not signing a marriage license, does not out weigh the negatives that for whatever reason goes along with actually getting married.
People say, "the first year of marriage is hard", WHY? What starts or is reset when you sign a piece of paper? For two people who have lived together before actually getting married, what changes? It should be nothing, were you both committed and not with other people before? Did they put the toilet paper roll on that way before? Were they lazy on Sundays? Chew food this way or that way? If not, if they weren't that way before, then why are they now? Was it a trick? I can't believe people would actually trick you into believing something that wasn't true JUST so you would marry them and then BOOM, "you are stuck with me now, ha ha ha". So, again I ask, why is the 1st year of a marriage so hard?
In an old blog I also question why people who are seemingly unhappy in their relationship take it to the next level and get married. It is still a question I ponder over, I have watched it happen several times since I posted that blog, to close friends and even family. I just can't for the life of me make sense of it. And it is those marriages that add to the overwhelming number of divorces today. Double whammy for people like me, really trying to understand, evaluate, and digest the idea of marriages.
While making big purchases like buying a house, getting married or having a baby will change the dynamics of a relationship, it will not change a person. So for anyone who is considering doing these types of things as a ploy to get the other to suddenly; open their eyes, be a better person, grow up, or any other dramatic change you might desire, save yourself...it doesn't!
As long as I am being honest, I think a large part of me that doesn't want to get married is because I want to save face. Yes, I realize how bad that sounds but it's the truth. Even publicly making statements of how great my current relationship is (the comment I wrote above), is sometimes otherwise difficult for me to do. While it IS great right now, and in a perfect world, I would want it to go on forever, I can't help but want to avoid looking or feeling dumb if and when it is no longer great and no longer exists. A wedding is a public, and expensive might I add, affirmation of how in love two people are to their friends and family, a marriage is between a man and women that is supposed to be "In sickness and in health", "for richer or for poor", and above all "til death do us part", those statements made at a wedding to kick off a marriage are supposed to provide the individuals a vow of commitment, through EVERYTHING, but that is not what happens anymore, when the healthy get sick, or the rich get poor, the other gets going. I realize marriages are not easy, but all to often, and it has been demonstrated for me time and time again, it is too easy to leave, to just walk away, and to give up. I guess what I am saying is as much "fun" or as great as it sounds to be ABLE to believe in fairy tales, I just can't do it. Do good marriages exist? I am sure they do, but just like winning the lottery or a big foot sighting, it just seems too far from the realm of actual possibilities that I do not fantasize about my wedding day, nor do I talk about what I would do if I won the lottery. I have been accused of sounding bitter or jaded, I do not think I am those things. I am someone with a very level head on my shoulders who is grounded, and realistic. The reality is that the facts, trends, numbers do not lie. The heart can trick even the most intelligent fool, I do not have my heart guarded, it is out there, and currently in someone else's hands...BUT, since my head isn't too far from my heart, I have to be mentally prepared to take it back if he no longer wants possession of it.
I do hope to find myself living in a marriage some day, to be living happily ever after, with someone who sticks by me during my bad days, weeks, months or whatever, someone that finds being with me on bad days means more than not being with me at all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)